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Guest Column: On Friendships
By Polly J Ingraham
Soon after we moved to our current small town in western Massachusetts, a neighbor told me I was lucky to have a head start in getting to know people because of my husband's position. Whereas she had only the school community to help get her launched socially, I had that PLUS a whole church congregation who would want to be friendly to the new Rector's family.
In fact, this was true -- to some extent. At the time, it was hard for me to be very appreciative of this new infusion of humanity: I was grieving the loss of the good friends, most of whom were outside the church, which I had made in the last place. I was not excited about starting all over. I have to admit, though, that the new church community did help ease the transition. Common sense told me that I was sure to find at least a few terrific women in the congregation who could become my new friends. Each Sunday I had my antennae up for possible kindred spirits....and, sure enough, four years later, my closest friend here is someone I met at church. In fact, she's more involved in church life than I am - teaching Sunday school and working on the pastoral care committee. While it's certainly helpful that she understands the nature of my husband's work, mostly we talk about and do all kinds of other things together. We go places with our kids, we go to movies without the kids, we drop in at cosmetic counters for a lark, and once we danced under the stars at a Springsteen concert. Laughing is a favorite activity. Our friendship even has had a positive overflow effect: last summer her husband offered to bring his tools and spend an entire day helping my husband put siding on our house. So the men had their own kind of fun together. With some other female parishioners /friends, however, I am still wary about church topics. I have learned the hard way that it is NOT a good idea to relay back to my husband some suggestion somebody makes about the liturgy, for instance. It's really better for us to stick to subjects like our own occupations, our kids' baseball teams, how we cope with running a household. Occasionally I wonder how another woman in the church might regard me (not suitable somehow) or whether maybe she sees me through her view of my husband - whatever that is -- and might be curious about our relationship. This startles me sometimes, as I like to see myself as an inherently interesting person on my own. The word "spouse" can sometimes sound unpleasantly like "mouse." I can feel at once proud of my role and uneasy about it, too. The "Sunday morning factor" (what I've started calling it) does play a role in some other friendships. Those pals that I hope to see once in a while in the former town invite me back for all-women bike rides, but guess when they take place? The same for the old book group: they've decided that Sunday morning is really the most convenient time to meet. Even in my new town, some women who were training for a triathlon last summer wanted me to join their workouts; but instead I would pass them on the road on my way down to church. Fortunately that wasn't the only time they got together. Otherwise I might think there was some kind of plot to keep out clergy wives. The scheduling issue aside, I count myself lucky to have a number of good, strong friendships from different eras of my life. They are about as essential to me as food and water. For my husband, however, the whole thing is more difficult. But that's another story. All sensitive correspondence received
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